Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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