Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
