I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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