remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
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The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
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I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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