I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if i can run in heels then i can drive
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
