why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
