Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
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Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
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Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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