I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
