You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
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Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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