found the other keg... it's in the tree
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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