Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
