Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
