So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
