smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
her vagine was all disorganized.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
