I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
