I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
