The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
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I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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