my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
