I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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