Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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