He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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