She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
