Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
