She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
