she woke up with a sticky ear
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
