Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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