She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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