at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
