she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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