watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
