the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dear god my vagina.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
