i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
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Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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