Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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