My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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