I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
