If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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