I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
