I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
