Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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