Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i think we sleep fucked last night...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
