i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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