Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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