Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
