Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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