Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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