I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
