How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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