the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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