I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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