Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
