i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
