I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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