Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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