My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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