he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I AM VODKA MAN
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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