People in love make me want to vomit
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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