theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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