He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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