I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
