my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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