I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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