sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
